Mutha Fucka...

Breakups suck. I shouldn't expect any different. Is it terrible that I want us to remain friends. That's normal right? Then why is so damn hard? Why do I want to be her friend but can't help myself from wanting more than just that. Greed? Selfishness? Oh well. I will accept all the things that are right in front of my eyes in time. Sometimes things just don't work out, whether you choose to accept them or not. 3.5 months of dating isn't a very long time... but it is for me. Although we never had a huge emotional connection due to the distance between us, it doesn't mean that real feelings weren't made and essentially hurt. Perhaps this is all common dating knowledge. I'm not a real expert in the field myself, but speaking (well typing, rather) this makes me feel a bit better about things. You would think having a job that consumes my life and living with 4 other guys, 3 of which are single, would help me get over something like this a lot faster than the norm. I disagree. I find myself wanting to be alone and dealing it with myself. I do talk to my roommates, but i'm not sure any can really relate. I'm a pretty sad sap type dude when it comes to feelings and generally... well always wear my heart on my sleeve. Being in a small town sucks for new girls coming by also, but let it be known that, that is not my concern at all. Every girl with 2 legs remind me of her, and none of them compare. I deserve to be happy and well with her towards the end neither of us were. So I guess unless we found a way to fix that rather huge and serious problem it was never going to work. So here I sit. I just finished playing more Nintendo Wii with my roommates girlfriend and now I'm about to go to sleep. All I can think about is laying down and texting her goodnight. Then i'll think about waking up and texting her good morning. I want to forget I pushed her buttons tonight and ultimately let the conversation end with her telling me that she would take my advice and text me when she wants to talk. How long will that be? Was I really being a jerk? Should I have let my shitty day ruin hers? Should I have really ignored that her day was terrible also and tell her how I felt knowing that it would make matters worse? I deserve to tell her how I feel whether she wants to know or not.... I think. Like I said I'm not Doctor Love. But I am who I am. Take me or leave me. At the end of the day, yeah I might look back and think that it sucked, but tomorrow is a whole new day. Yeah... tomorrow is a whole new day. Let's just hope I don't dream about her so the desire to text her tomorrow won't be so strong. Strong... I have to be strong. That's easy... I think. Distance sucks. So does the fact that nothing can change either of our situations.

PS. I think my left knee (the one I had my ACL replaced on) is fucked. I think it might be full of water or some sort of fluid that may not be good. It hurts for days after skating and quite frankly just sucks on a daily basis.

Skating will keep me sane at times like these. I hope my body allows me to do so.

I sounds like a loser. Or like Ryan Sheckler in his terrible reality TV show. Fuck.....

Haha. Oh well.

Feelings.

Yesterday. Tonight. Both sucked. Work is okay, because I don't have to think at all. It's nuts. But a song plays, or a thought crosses my mind, anything really and I drift off. Sucks. I want to talk to her. But I feel it might be best for us to just not talk. I want her to miss me, but I want her to be okay. I think I will be okay, but right now I want to be okay with her. I'm a pretty persistent person, and me not talking to her for 2 days is a big thing I think. Sounds lame, but it's how I feel. I dunno.... I'm going to give it some time and see how things go. Here's to the future.

Officially Bummed

It happened. Brittainy and I broke up. It seemed like the only option left. We tried a break and I don't know if we gave it out best effort. I was hoping having something final like this would make me feel better. But for some odd reason I feel like I've made a mistake. I feel like I lost a friend. We had such a good bond and I don't want to lose that. Or her for that matter. I dunno. Part of me feels like we can and perhaps will make this work at another time. Everything in my life had been going so great and she was a large part in that. Maybe i'm looking at it from all the wrong angles. What i do know is that i miss her. I can't even help that. It sucks, but it's going to bother me today, tonight, and for a while yet. This fucking sucks. I feel like she should miss me, i did all i could for her. I tried to make things work, but the distance got the better of us and our emotions. Where to from here? I wish i knew. What i do know is this. It's not gonna be easy and i don't want this to come between the amazing friendship we've built in this short 4 months. Fuck i am just at a complete loss right now. Like i said in the title of this entry... i am bummed. What did i do to deserve this shitty feeling in the pit of my stomach? I just want to be happy. I just want to meet someone who feels as strongly about me as I do about them. I don't think i'm asking a lot. Sigh..........

Bummer High.

Had a rough night last night. Things got even rougher today. I remain positive though. It's not the end of the word. Funny how, that after being promoted to Part Manager and being told that i'm now on salary making $55,000 a year, she is the only one I can think about. Perhaps the time i spend trying to not talk to her will make her miss me. Perhaps this is the beginning of the end. I have so many questions, but no answers. Regardless of the outcome. She is great. A great friend. A great girlfriend. Amazing! Time sorts all things out. I am going to stay positive and shit will sort itself out like it always does.

To be continued.... like always.

PS. Call me a pussy, but it's been about 3 hours since we've been on a break and I miss her more than ever. I can only hope she feels the same. If not, I guess it wasn't mean't to be...